Feeling blue

It's a tired day at work.

The computer screen stares at me.

The colleagues are chattering away sweet IT nothings into speaker phones.

They are talking about tables and windows, bugs and viruses, lobsters and gloves.

But I am not aware of any of this. My mind is just humming a boring tune, its buzzing like the millions of mosquitoes in a humid, tropical forest. My body itches, the wool from my blue sweater is biting onto my skin. As I scratch where it itches, it hits me - I am also feeling blue. I dunno why, but I guess in the morning when I was picking up clothes to wear, the situation my mind was in directed me towards what clothes to pick up.

I put up my status on Google talk as 'Feeling Blue'

That initiates this conversation between my friend K & I


K: is blue good?

I: well - i like the color blue, and i like the reference the color makes to movies which depict eroticism, but when I feel blue, I feel low, I feel lost, I feel rudderless...
I feel like there is no purpose to my life

K: hmmmm
blue.. is universal..

I: so are all other colors

K: how about red?
it is true.. about blue/green

I: Red - that's the color of vive, of life, of blood, of death
it's a color of extremes

K: yellow?

I: the sunflowers, the mustard fields, the sunlight, the light generated from bulbs

K: it is mostly associated with light.. and is too bright to handle..

I: but when shaded correctly, it also can be associated with the romanticism of the setting sun, when mild rays of the sun filtering through the grey clouds, it seems like neither night nor day but rather that feeble compromise which fills one with a sense of long-forgotten things and presents the time when vague yearnings and regrets begin to fill up your soul.

K: thats the shade of orange in yellow

I: yep and somewhat pink and mild red too - its like a collage of colors

K: how about black?

I: Thats the color of all of our dark secrets, our most intimate deep selves which no one else is aware of - just like Dr Jekyll has a Mr Hyde hidden in him and Robert Nates has his dead mom hidden in him

K: anything on the other spectrum for black?

I: hmm - like?

K: black.. is all hidden
but still.. i love black.. esp to wear

I: ya - exactly - just like a suspicious mind always looks on the black side of things.
And also just like you said, it is also the color associated with high society, high fashion, with the runways of Paris and Milan

But do not forget
it is also associated with the dirt and grime of the slums of Mumbai

__________________________________________________________________

I did not realise that the little conversation had proved to be my purpose that needed to pull me out of feeling blue for the day.

K disappeared.

Maybe the tables and the windows, the bugs and the viruses, the lobsters and the gloves were all calling up to him.

And there - my sweater began to itch my skin again!

My endless wait

The cold sun rays of Fall,
On my drowsy eyes they fall,
Evoking that painful sweet urge,
of a beautiful past seen and heard....

This interminable period of waiting,
of pondering, of yearning and that bitter-sweet longing,
When oh When will those times come?
And what if they never ever come?

Tell me why...

Why is it so that only the few who were born with a silver spoon in their mouth get all the opportunities in their lives? Why does money beget money in this world? It's all about money, honey. And I need to understand that this is the way the world works. So, in order to make it easier for my offsprings, I need to spring off the boardwalk where I am resting my ass currently and struggle harder to achieve more...that's all. There is no use cribbing about the unfairness of the world, take it with a pinch of salt and dive right in....

When mediocrity reigns

No one likes to be beaten.

But to be beaten by a person who has always stood as a particular example of mediocrity in your eyes, to start by the side of this mediocrity and to watch it shoot up, while you struggle and finally end up with nothing but a boot in your face, to see the mediocrity snatch from you, your thunder, to be beaten, beaten badly, beaten – not by a greater genius, not by a God, but by Mediocrity – there is no torture equivalent to this.

MY LIVING WILL

The following short email is from my ex-roomie's mother's 70 + year old best friend from college. I'm putting it on here for those I think will appreciate the humor.

MY LIVING WILL

Last night, my friend and I were sitting in the living room and I saidto her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine, and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."She got up, unplugged the TV, and threw out my booze.

She's such a bitch.....

New Role

I just got entitled yesterday as the "anti-bore balm"!!! ha ha :) nice one

My mind is humming a tune now:

Zandu balm Zandu balm
Peeda-haari balm

That's in Hindi, it's even more funny when I think of the Malayalam version:

Zandu balm Zandu balm
Vedana-haari balm

Another manic blue morning

As the sun's rays filtered through the curtains and landed on my face, my eyes flickered and I woke up into another morning. I was feeling blue. Again. Well, I have been feeling blue for some time now, rather some days, some months. I wake up every morning in the United States of Depression. And Loneliness.
I am more out of it than ever. I sit on my bed, munching into a Godiva goodie and watching the street outside. It's so clan, neat & tidy and the wind that just blew into my face, smells so good...but then I think am I paying too high a price?
How many times now have I contemplated going back home to India? And each time I revert that thought thinking - later, maybe later.
How many times had the lure of home cooked food beckoned me from the sidewalks of NYC?
Will I ever stop feeling like a Martian on the moon in this country?
Or will I wake up one morning to find myself an overdressed, overcoated old man, tottering about Jackson Heights in slightly worn out gloves, prolonging my choice of desi food at Khan Baba Restaurant, telling the security guy who helped me get into the cab that any day now, when my social security check came in, when the weather turned, when I found a home for my
li'l lab....I was gonna go home to India?