Ah - the things I can do for a free flush!

It always amazes me at the American tourists' thoughtlessness to point out that there are no public restrooms in India. As a child when I used to watch travel shows (especially the travel segment in that eternal favorite 'Surabhi'), I remember some American tourists' complaining to a reporter that they loved the Taj but what they did not like was that there were no public restrooms around. Of course, the Indian tourist industry did take note of that and the last time that I went to the Taj about 10 years ago, there were public restrooms built there. They were not the cleanest, the most efficient, the most fragrant-free restrooms that an American might have encountered, but oh well, at least they are present. And so too in most cities and tourist spots in the country, I would like to believe.

In contrast, in the Big Apple, one thing that constantly hits me in the face (that's not exactly the correct usage, but I could not get below the belt with this usage) is the lack of public restrooms. And that too with the advent of the chill season once again, the pressure just builds up. As far as I am aware of, there are some public restrooms only in Times Square (the Charmin toilets) in the city.

I have read of efforts in the past by the local NYC administrations to get started on building public restrooms around NYC. But those efforts have all only led to naught. Chronicling this sad history and the persistent dearth of toilets,NYTimes columnist Clyde Haberman once wrote, “The fact remains that this is one of the few great world cities that make no attempt to help people cope with so basic a need, a situation that constantly amazes residents and visitors alike.” Now I hear of articles in newspapers about a campaign called 'Pottypalooza' (nice name, that) which is a marketing effort, in which the marketing firm drives a long trailer, fitted with 27 toilets, around the country, to events like the Super Bowl.

All said and done, the efforts seem far and few for the millions of public yearning to pee, especially in the nail biting cold that there is now. The efforts don't seem to be coming either from the government or from the corporate world. It could be something as simple as a pay-per-flush program if the corporate world does not want to sponsor a loss-making program. I am sure with the millions that they will rake in per pee, it won't be a loss making endeavour after all. I agree bodily excretion is the most non-glamorous of our everyday glamorous NYC lives (if ever, the public restrooms won't make it to the glossy screens of Sex and the City) But isn't it funny that in a post modern society like ours, we are denying the very existence of bodily excretion?

Sometimes I even wonder whether the city's administrative body is not installing public restrooms for a purpose. Maybe they actually make some money out of not installing public restrooms. With no public restrooms, customers will enter a store to use the bathroom. Perhaps they will be forced to buy a drink or a coffee just to use the bathroom at that establishment. That means more tax dollars and more revenue - at the public's inconvenience.

In fact, it is funny that it is a coffee-shop chain that is serving as the city's public restroom. Starbucks should rather be rechristened as Starflush. On any cold winter day, you can rest assured that there will a longer queue in front of the restroom within a Starbucks outlet as compared to the billing counter. I know that there are people opposed to Starbucks everywhere because it has corporatized the neighborhood Mom & Pop coffee shops and small-eats eateries. It has driven out neighborhood cafes everywhere and it seems to reside on nearly every corner in the city, but it does serve one great purpose as the public restroom. So long as you are not far from a Starbucks, you not far from a free flush.

Capitalism and Alienation

It was the hump day of the week. I was at the pantry by the coffee machine. So a colleague walks in and asks "How are you?" I was tempted to say 'tired, lazy, sleepy'. But I just said 'I am fine' and walked away. I wanted to tell her 'You know what? I was out shopping with a friend until late night 11 pm yesterday and reached home only by 12 and slept only by 12.30 and got up in the morning to reach work again at 6 am. I hardly slept and now I am feeling very sleepy. ' I didn't tell her that though. I didn't feel that close to her. This is despite the fact that we are great friends and can seem to talk about most things without any restraint. I could not figure out why I didn't tell her what I wanted to tell her.

That caught me thinking. Why is it so that despite living, working, commuting and shopping together, most people feel estranged from one another? We talk about what we can’t control (sports, the weather) to avoid discussing what we aren’t allowed to control (our work, the world, our feelings).

And I feel more like it here in the US of A as compared to India. What is it so about the US of A that I don't relate myself with the society here? Might be the capitalist culture I think. The consumerism. The body fascism. The fight to look and be the best at all times. It takes a toll on our relationships.

Hmmm - gotta get back to work. Can't spend all time at work penning my sad stories.

Saawari-yo-yo

So half an hour into the movie Ranbir Raj is playing with his yo-yo and Sakina runs into him and asks him for forgiveness for her stupidity, to which Ranbir says 'You cannot play with my emotions as if I'm a yo-yo' (or something to that effect). That line is stuck in my head, and I feel like telling the same to SLB - You cannot play with the could-have been careers of two new and wannabe actors, with the first time money and interest shown by Sony Pictures in Bollywood industry, with the time and money spent by numerous cinema-goers on your whimsical jamboree as if we are a yo-yo.

What could have been a beautiful tragical tale of love lost turns into an over indulgent and opulent farce. Right from the frame one of the movie, people are reminded of SLB's lofty ambitions as he proudly proclaims that this movie is based on Fyodor Dostoevsky's short story - White Nights. Although he does say so, fifteen minutes into the movie you realise that there is something majorly flawed with this movie. Maybe it's the director's overindulgence with the sets. Maybe it's the color blue all throughout the movie. Maybe its the dark tone of the movie - why was the entire movie shot in a studio, and why not in the bright natural light outside? Maybe it's the atrocious, kiddish, out of context dance steps (trust me, it looked like some child was doing action songs - I am a teapot tall and stout here is my handle here is my spout). Maybe it's the fact that you cannot understand which period this movie is based in. Maybe it's the fact that it just does not have its heart in its place. Maybe that's it, I think. A heartless movie, without any emotions it is.

The only scene which evoked any kind of emotion (other than plain bored) from the collective movie hall was one where Ranbir Kapoor exposes - his ass. The girls were simply giggling and the guys collectively exhaling, in shock, in surprise, in awe, and in a way which said - we didn't know this. Probably that is the only reason why this movie will ever be remembered - the first time that a titillating song was picturised with the male actor doing the pelvic thrusts and throwing in the towel.

As I left the movie, the only things that remained with me was the buoyance of Rani - the Queen of hearts through the movie. And I just could not stop laughing at the most pretentious dialogue I had ever heard in my life - something about how life is like a boxing ring, and how you have to box out the sadness from your life. And again, I just could not figure out the purpose of Ranbir's ass in the movie?

Happiness Vs Contentedness

Somehow my most interesting thoughts are aroused during random chats with friends. And when such thoughts come up, I think I should document them so that I do not lose track of them. So here's my last chat with a dear friend.

S: So what do you talk with him anyways? (Him being this new chat friend)
Me: many things - I dunno how i strike up such conversations with random strangers, but i manage to do it
so today we were talking abt what makes us happy in life - generally
S: and .. ?
Me: the beaches, water, sand, designing clothes, hanging out with friends, etc. etc.
What makes youu happy?
Does seeing a beautiful butterfly outside the window hovering over the plant pots make you happy?
S: eeeeee. I'm petrified of cliches. I dunno, watching a good movie makes me happy...Although again -- i'm not sure of what exactly happy means. It gives me pleasure, yes.
Me: wow! u r so full of philosphical crap. Sorry i don't mean to be mean. But really you are much more deeper than I give you credit for and I dun seem to appreciate it at all
S: he he -- i'm actually pretentious as shit. :) I can't help it -- I was born that way.
Me: Shit is not pretentious
S: Which was precisely the point of the phrase.
Me: So if you say you are pretentious as shit, then you aren't.
S: Correct. That's what the phrase means. :)
Me: So also were you not born as shit. Thats not even correct anatomically. There are different outlets for birth and for shitting.
S: See that's what happens when u talk about "happy" things with me. You should compare this conversation with ur conversation with him.
Me: I actually laughed out loud
S: So again what would make you happy?
Me: Well for me it would be
1) A job I like doing - which in my case is more or less the case
2) A good salary for that job - which in my case is not something I have achieved yet
3) A partner whom I care for lots - which in my case is more or less the case now
4) Living in a wonderful house with my partner - which in my case is not happening currently
5) A set of friends who care for me and whom I love - which is again more or less the case for me now
S: waaaah, waaah.
Joe: so that's when i realised. 3/5 - not bad at all
S: I thought you guys were talking about "little things" that make you happy ... these are all big things! Not bad at all, I agree. In fact, you almost have it made. And still, how much u crib!! :)
So that way for me it would be:
(1) A good job where i get to read and write as much as i want
(2) paid well
(3) I've published something very reputable (maybe even a book), and I'm well-known in my field and
(4) A partner
(5) and lots of pretentious friends like me with whom i can talk about pretentious things.
Me: so 5 is not achieved yet since most of ur friends like A and I, etc. are all li'l dimwits
S: Nooooooooooo. That is not what i meant at all :)
Me: Well u did put it that way
S: yes, it came out wrongly. I meant: a few good friends, some of whom are pretentious like me.
ok? ;)
Me: lol - so how many out of those 5 have u achieved?
S: i'm not even close to (1) (3) and (4) my pay is ok -- but not great.
and i'm getting along ok with (5)
Me: so 1/5. Hmmm - but you still seem happier than me. So maybe happy is a state of mind which is different for different people. I get 'unhappified' too soon
S: I think we're talking about being contented or discontented. And less about being happy.
Me: ya true
S: I'm not unhappy. And neither are you, i think.
Me: True, I'm not unhappy - I'm just discontented
S: yes! correct. And so now the question is: about what? You're 3/5 so what exactly are you discontented about? (haah, i should be a therapist!) :)
Me: I dunno - maybe -
1) About not having someone here living with me
2) About not getting to have sex
3) About people less talented than me getting ahead of me in life, just because they tom-tom themselves, or because their Dads are their best ATMs, or just because lady luck favors them more than me
4) About not being able to lose my weight and not being able to present myself as good as I dream about.....I think my list will go on and on
S: hmmmmm. (2) and (4) are addressable, I think. (3) is the hardest. Ok, (2) is also not so easy.
Me: I think 1, 2 and 4 are all addressable, but all equally difficult. But 3 will always remain. I just need to make my peace with it.
S: I dunno about that -- you could put in so extra effort for (3)
Me: Nopes 3 will always remain. Even if I become the Prime Minister of India, I will be discontent that I had to struggle so much to reach that level, but Rajiv Gandhi got it so much more easily just because of his legacy. So that will always remain. I just need to make my peace with it.
S: Are you discontented about the effort or the result?
Me: Good Question. Never thought of that. I think I will think over that for tonight....

Awaiting Yuletime in NYC

So I am chatting with a dear old friend. Here's a transcript of our conversation.

Friend: So what are your holiday plans?
Me: Dunno yet. I might get a 10 day holiday at work.
F: Oh wow! Good! So what do you plan to do then?
M: Dunno yet. I feel so anxious and upset at the same time.
F: Don't you like Christmas? It will be so wonderful in NYC then.
M: Well, that's not the point. I don't think, that Christmas or for that matter any other festival here in NYC likes me.
F: huh?
M: Allright, here's the deal. Forget all the religious part of Christmas. As I see there are two distinct parts of Christmas in NYC - the commercial part and the gooey part. The commercial part's Ok. I like all the tacky lights and the mob scenes and the plastic reindeers and sleighs. It's the gooey part that drives me crazy. It's a conspiracy. X'mas is a conspiracy by all the huge advertising and marketing and sales and retailers divisions to make the single people feel all the more lonely.....

and then some more...i went on....gosh! I have become so cribby...

Feeling blue

It's a tired day at work.

The computer screen stares at me.

The colleagues are chattering away sweet IT nothings into speaker phones.

They are talking about tables and windows, bugs and viruses, lobsters and gloves.

But I am not aware of any of this. My mind is just humming a boring tune, its buzzing like the millions of mosquitoes in a humid, tropical forest. My body itches, the wool from my blue sweater is biting onto my skin. As I scratch where it itches, it hits me - I am also feeling blue. I dunno why, but I guess in the morning when I was picking up clothes to wear, the situation my mind was in directed me towards what clothes to pick up.

I put up my status on Google talk as 'Feeling Blue'

That initiates this conversation between my friend K & I


K: is blue good?

I: well - i like the color blue, and i like the reference the color makes to movies which depict eroticism, but when I feel blue, I feel low, I feel lost, I feel rudderless...
I feel like there is no purpose to my life

K: hmmmm
blue.. is universal..

I: so are all other colors

K: how about red?
it is true.. about blue/green

I: Red - that's the color of vive, of life, of blood, of death
it's a color of extremes

K: yellow?

I: the sunflowers, the mustard fields, the sunlight, the light generated from bulbs

K: it is mostly associated with light.. and is too bright to handle..

I: but when shaded correctly, it also can be associated with the romanticism of the setting sun, when mild rays of the sun filtering through the grey clouds, it seems like neither night nor day but rather that feeble compromise which fills one with a sense of long-forgotten things and presents the time when vague yearnings and regrets begin to fill up your soul.

K: thats the shade of orange in yellow

I: yep and somewhat pink and mild red too - its like a collage of colors

K: how about black?

I: Thats the color of all of our dark secrets, our most intimate deep selves which no one else is aware of - just like Dr Jekyll has a Mr Hyde hidden in him and Robert Nates has his dead mom hidden in him

K: anything on the other spectrum for black?

I: hmm - like?

K: black.. is all hidden
but still.. i love black.. esp to wear

I: ya - exactly - just like a suspicious mind always looks on the black side of things.
And also just like you said, it is also the color associated with high society, high fashion, with the runways of Paris and Milan

But do not forget
it is also associated with the dirt and grime of the slums of Mumbai

__________________________________________________________________

I did not realise that the little conversation had proved to be my purpose that needed to pull me out of feeling blue for the day.

K disappeared.

Maybe the tables and the windows, the bugs and the viruses, the lobsters and the gloves were all calling up to him.

And there - my sweater began to itch my skin again!

My endless wait

The cold sun rays of Fall,
On my drowsy eyes they fall,
Evoking that painful sweet urge,
of a beautiful past seen and heard....

This interminable period of waiting,
of pondering, of yearning and that bitter-sweet longing,
When oh When will those times come?
And what if they never ever come?